Written by Lucy, first time Mum to Oliver now 11 months.
This was me this time last year, a month after later I was having an emergency c-section, which was definitetly not apart of my birth plan.
Being unable to give birth ‘naturally’ doesn’t not make a woman an incapable mother, or any less of one.
I wish I felt like that when I first became a mum because I felt nothing else but that I had failed.
Oli was born by emergency c-section because if not born right then and there he most likely would of died. My doctor called an emergency c-section at 6:00 and he was born 35 minuets later, then there was silence and I’ve never felt so numb in all my life, not because of the drugs but with fear - It took Oli 7 minuets to breathe, resulting in him spending a few nights in the special care nursery, away from me.
I have had people say to me that I got the “easy way out” - yes people do actually say that! You feel like you’re doing well and then somebody throws that comment at you and you’re down to rock bottom and you have to work your way up to the top again.
Then comes the topic of breastfeeding - every person and their dog will give you their opinion on breastfeeding. I remember feeling so ashamed and guilty that Oliver was being fed formula from the start but I really had no choice - having a c-section delayed my milk coming in for 9 days.
In hindsight, I can’t believe I let myself think like that but it’s hard not to when everyone tells you breast is best. I still managed to breastfeed Oli for three months. Even though I had pretty much nothing to give, I resorted to exclusively pumping and topping up with formula. I remember sitting in a cafe once feeding Oli breastmilk in a bottle and an old man came up to and said “you know breast is best” I pretty much cried—yelled telling him it was my breastmilk and I am trying my best. If that happens to me the next time I have a baby, I hope I have the courage to turn around and say ‘Fuck off!’
For a long time I kept these feelings a secret and tried not to think about it. Now almost a year later, I’m coming to terms with my experience and feel exceptionally proud of my body, I created and grew life inside me, that is pretty amazing and I have the most beautiful little boy to show for it.
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